If someone asked you what characteristics define an abusive person, how many could you come up with? One, two, zero? How can you tell is someone is an abuser?

This is the second post in our Cycle of Violence series. [For all the other posts, scroll to the bottom]. This post is all about the characteristics of an abuser. This is so important because if you see one or more of the characteristics in your love interest, be very cautious and KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN to what is happening.

If you would rather watch the video, you can do so at the bottom of the post. I would like for you to do both to help it sink in :). So, here we go, seven characteristics of an abuser.

1. ABUSERS ARE JEALOUS!

They are jealous of the time you spend with anyone but them, whether it be family, friends, a sports team, etc.

Examples:

1. “Why do you keep spending so much time with ______________. Wouldn’t you rather be spending time with me??
2. “Do you seriously have to text (best friend) all the time?”
3. “Can’t you skip practice today and hang out with me instead. Your parents won’t find out.”
4. “Well if you have to go (do something), you better text me when it’s over.”

Jealousy IS NOT CUTE. It is not a sign of love.  It is about control. They make you feel bad for having male friends, or friends at all, or spending time with anyone but them. Eventually, it becomes easier to not hang out with people so you don’t have to face the onslaught of questions. This feeling leads to characteristic number 2…

2. ABUSERS ISOLATE YOU

So after making you feel bad about spending time with anyone but him, or it suddenly becomes not worth it to hang out with people because you know you’ll be grilled the next time you see him, you begin to isolate yourself. This process happens slowly; one day you finally realize that you really don’t hang out with or talk to anyone but him and you’ll wonder how it got this far.

Examples:

1. You make less time for friends and more time for him.

2. You don’t want to go to youth retreats or family outings because you know he’ll ask about everything you did.

3. You just feel bad in general about spending time with others, or it becomes more frustrating than it’s worth.

Side Note: Abusers are also either generally isolated themselves, or they keep you isolated from the group of people they hang out with. They don’t want you finding out how bad they really are or expose things they may be hiding from you.

Seven Characteristics of an Abuser. Click to read. It could save your life. Click To Tweet

3. ABUSERS DON’T BELIEVE IN PRIVACY

At your age, this will mainly show itself in your phone/device.

Examples:

1. They take your phone from you while you’re texting. It initially comes off as playful, but it’s not funny or playful; they’re violating your privacy.

2. They ask for your passcode, or get uncomfortably close to you when you type it in in attempts to see it.

3. Here’s a tip, leave your phone out around them unlocked. Let them think you’re gone and see what they do.

4. ABUSERS LOVE THE BLAME GAME

Nothing is ever an abusers fault. It’s generally your fault with a general mix in of parents, friends, grandparents, the government, school, and anyone or anything else that’s handy. When it’s “your fault”, you feel guilty for making them feel that way and wonder what you can do to change, but in fact, you’re the normal one.

Examples:

1. “Well if you hadn’t acted that way, I wouldn’t have hit you.”
2. “I’m sorry for the way I behave; my dad was the same way.” (in this example they take a false responsibility and then end up blaming it on someone else anyway).
3. “If my dad would have been around more, I wouldn’t have so much anger.”

5. ABUSERS HAVE MASSIVE MOOD SWINGS

This one is fairly self-explanatory. They can be the nicest person one day and the meanest the next.  An emotionally strong and stable person is generally in the same mood day after day. If their mood changes it’s because something serious is affecting them.

With an abuser, you wake up every day wondering, “I wonder which person will show up today?”

6. ABUSERS ARE IMPULSIVE/HYPERSENSITIVE

They do not think before they act or have a handle on their emotions.

Examples:

1. They hit things when they get mad.
2. They get in fights easily.
3. They yell and scream at others.
4. If they play sports, they generally get mad or abuse others either verbally or physically.
5. They get their feelings hurt easily, or at least convince you they do.

People who do this are acting like CHILDREN who don’t know better.

7. ABUSERS THREATEN AND PUNISH

This is where the physical, emotional, and verbal “outburst” section of the Cycle of Violence comes in.

Examples:

1. “If you keep acting like that, then I WILL do something about it!”
2. “How could you be so stupid?!”
3. “If you don’t do this for me, I’ll tell everyone____________”
4. “Unless you do _______, you don’t really love me.’’
5. “If you don’t ask your parents if we can go to the movies, then I’ll just take someone else.”
6. This also includes withholding “love” or affection, and calling you names.
7. Any type of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse.

No one in dating relationship has the right to threaten and punish you. NO ONE. EVER.

No one in dating relationship has the right to threaten and/or punish you. NO ONE. EVER. Click To Tweet

Here is a good student made video that shows some of these characteristics played out. It’s about five minutes long and worth the watch. It shows how boys AND girls can have these characteristics.

Reflection

I want you to honestly think about the answers to these three questions:

• Does my current love interest have any of these characteristics?

• Are any of my friends dating people who exhibit these characteristics?

• Do I exhibit these characteristics? (Girls can be abusers too!)

I hope the answers to all of these questions are “no.” However, since teenage dating violence affects 1 in 3 teenagers, this is likely not the case.

Did you answer “yes” to #1? Then read PLEASE read the following posts in this series; especially the quiz “Am I in an abusive relationship” and “How to get out of an abusive relationship” that are coming up.

What about #2? Be a good friend and share this series with them. Tell them out of sincere concern and friendship.

What about #3? Women can be just as abusive as men. If you find yourself exhibiting these characteristics, know that it is NOT healthy. You need to pray and ask God to help you rid yourself of doing this. It will destroy every relationship you have. It comes down to you being insecure and needing to control everything in your life. GOD is the one in control, not you. You need to pray and seek Him and ask for His help.

In Closing

Here is the video for this post:

This is the video that has my personal stories in it as well, just in case you want to know.

Here are the links to all the posts in this series:

1. What is the Cycle of Violence?
   2.Seven Characteristics of an Abuser
   3.Quiz: Am I in an Abusive Relationship?
   4. How to Break up with an Abuser
   5. Healing After an Abusive Relationship
   6. How to Avoid an Abuser in your Future Relationships
   7. Vlog: My Personal Story of Abuse

Thank you so much for reading! I love you all and want you to have good, healthy, Godly relationships!!!!

Love to all,

Sarah

P.S. We talk about the Cycle of Violence in our book So, You Think You’re Ready to Date?  We also discuss other dating pitfalls to avoid and what a good guy is like :). To learn more, click the graphic below:

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