Around Father’s Day, I always see articles about how prevalent fatherlessness is in our country. However, it is rare to see stories about homes without a biological mother. These situations are definitely more rare, but does not mean that it doesn’t come with its own set of issues.
Throughout my time working with teenage girls, I know of three specifically who are in this situation. The reasons as to why the mothers are absent prove various, but I have noticed similar effects among them. The most notable is anguish.
The dictionary defines anguish as, “extreme pain, distress, or anxiety.” This manifests clearly in these three girls in multiple ways, whether it is:
- Making poor relationship decisions because they’re trying to fill a void their mother left
- anger/hatred toward a step-mother or girlfriend
- defiance towards the father
These probably don’t happen to every girl in this situation, but the anguish I see in these girls grieves me.
Today, I want to tell them, and you if you’re in the same situation, three things that I pray will help.
I am so sorry
I cannot imagine what it is like to have a mother that is not a daily part of your life. I am sorry that you have to see other girls with their mothers and you wishing you had that too.
I know that my “sorry” doesn’t fix anything, but my heart truly is broken for you.
Please don’t take your pain out on those closest to you
Sometimes you might cope in negative ways. You may lash out at your dad, step-mom, siblings, or others that are closest to you. If you are having problems that seem to linger and you cannot cope with successfully, you may want to consider the following things:
- See a counselor! There is no shame in getting help! I have been to counseling a few times in my life and it was so uplifting. Susan has as well. Many times, your church will have a counselor or your pastor could refer one.
- Write. Writing is a wonderful coping mechanism. If you don’t keep a journal, start one. Getting your feelings out on paper, instead of taking them out on those around you, can make a difference.
- Get a mentor. A mentor is a person, generally older and not related to you (although they can be), that helps you through life. They are a sounding board to talk to, to pray with you, and can give you direction when you need it.
Most likely, those closest to you love you the most and take it the hardest when you lash out or cop an attitude. Trust me, they wish your life was different too and that your mother was capable of being present.
Please believe these two verses
Verse 1
Proverbs 3:5-6 states, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight.”
There are many things about you situation that you may not understand, like:
- Why did my mother have to die?
- Why did my mom choose another man besides my dad?
- Why does my mom have mental illness?
- Why does my mom choose alcohol (drugs, etc.) over me?
- Doesn’t she love me?
I am not sure about your exact situation, but I am sure about what God says. Despite what you feel and where you are now, he still has a good plan for your life if you will trust him and follow it.
Verse 2
Romans 8:28 says, “ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
Despite how you may feel now, or how confusing and terrible it may seem, God can work it all together if you allow him to.
I was explaining this to one of the girls recently. I told her that one day, God may use her pain to help a girl in her situation make different choices than she was making. She could eventually be a light for a girl struggling just like she was then.
I have seen people who were in horrible situations and have amazing testimonies. It’s incredible what God can do with ANY circumstance if we will just let him.
In closing
If you are reading this and have an absent mother, I hope you found this helpful. Despite how you may feel, you were made for a purpose and with purpose. You are not a mistake. You are loved.
Always,
-Sarah
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